Nabisco

Ok, I'll say it. I love fig newtons. I eat them by the sleeve. So, I thought I'd check to see if I've been eating beaver butt juice this whole time.

Irresistible goodness, or irresistible anal discharge?

I looked up Nabisco, who makes yummy fig newtons and found out two things. First, they're not called fig newtons anymore, they're just newtons. That sounds so much more snobby than fig newtons, don't you think? Also, when did they drop the fig from the front? I decided to find out.
The Unnecessary History of Newtons

Figs and fruit were recommended by doctors for digestion problems, so people ate biscuits and fruit together all the time. A genius in Philadelphia, but born in Ohio, named Charles Roser, his friends called him Figgy Charlie because he loved figs so much, developed a machine that could inject fig paste into pastry dough. Some company, that no longer exists, bought the machine and called them fig, because that's what's in them, newtons, after Newton, Massachusetts. I have no idea why they named them after Newton, Massachusetts, since they were based in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Charles Roser should be a national hero.

Anyway, I found a Time article that stated that Newtons changed their name this year, so I'm not crazy. The second thing I found out, what did you think I forgot?, was that Nabisco is owned by a company called Mondelez International. So, I looked up their website and was immediately accosted by a huge banner that declares Mondelez International is "PASSIONATE ABOUT TRANSFORMING SNACKING." It's all in caps, so you know they're serious.

Don't worry, she's just snacking.

Mondelez International makes tons of snacks you've never heard of and a lot you have. They're also the ones you can blame for your Cadbury Creme Egg shrinkage over the years. He's their contact form so you can vent about that one. Nothing on their website about castoreum, so it's time for me to use their contact form, but not about Cadbury Creme Egg shrinkage.
You'll see that they ask for your age range. I can't imagine why. Do they have different people who respond to young and old people? Also, they ask for your name. YOUR REAL NAME. Don't they realize this is the internet. No one uses their real name. I put in Punchie McFisto, hopefully they think it's a real name. It then pops up this thing that says, "Hey, have you looked in our FAQ for the answer to your question, because we don't want to be bothered by you." I tested the square in the top right hand corner of the little pop up and it closed. Everything seems to be working.
Then they ask for your address. Mondelez HQ is in Deerfield, IL, so I wasn't worried. Then I looked up where that was and it's right next to Chicago! Chicago is the murder capital of the United States. Two people are murdered in Chicago everyday. If you live in Chicago, you're hardcore. German thugs I wasn't worried about, but Chicago thugs scare me a little.

Pictured: Chicago Thug

Then, I remembered this is the internet, so I lied about my address. Then, as if I haven't filled out enough, it asks for the specific product I'm asking about and the UFC code. I put "All Products" and "00000000". Finally, it asks if spamming me is okay. I told them no. At last, the message was sent and a message pops up thanking me for my interest. Which I'm sure is true. Why else would they ask me so many questions and have the "leave me alone" pop up after I typed my question to them.
Here's the e-mail I sent them:
"Hello, I was wondering if any of your delicious products uses castoreum as a natural flavor. If I don't receive a response within 30 days, I'll assume the answer is yes. Thank you for your time."

This creepy guy makes we want to go out and buy some snacks right now, or curl up into a ball and cry.

Note: The black and white photo, above, is not Charles Roser, it's George Westinghouse Jr. George had nothing to do with fig newtons, or snacks at all, besides the ones he ate. I just put the picture up because of his awesome mustache.