Smirnoff Reply

Well, it certainly took awhile to get a response from every high school kids favorite cheap alcohol.

I said favorite, not cheapest.

Of course, I'm talking about Smirnoff vodka. It comes in multiple flavors, which is why I was hoping to find some beaver anal secretions in it. So, here is the official response.

"Thank you for taking time to contact Smirnoff. Your feedback is important to us.
I have been informed from our quality team the Smirnoff flavored products do not contain castoreum.
Once again, thank you for contacting Smirnoff.
Sincerely,
Tammy
Smirnoff Consumer Care Representative
Smirnoff. Exclusively for Everybody – check out at www.smirnoff.com to find out more."

I think it's really funny that the Smirnoff e-mail says it's exclusively for everyone. First, that makes no sense and second, are they peddling liquor to kids? Maybe.

Smirnoff loves drunk kids.

Conclusion: Smirnoff does not use castoreum in their vodka.

Drink Responsibly.

Smirnoff

Smirnoff is the most popular vodka brand in the world. It began in Moscow, Russia, with a man named Pyotr Arsenievich Smirnov. Born a penniless peasant, Pyotr drank heavily and thought the swill he was drinking could be improved. He created his own distillery in 1864 and made better vodka, to get wasted on. Smirnov died a rich man, but unfortunately, he still died.

Drunks everywhere thank you.

Well, eventually, Smirnoff vodka was sold to a British company called Diageo. It might surprise you that Diageo is the world's largest distributor of hard liquor. So, I first went to the Smirnoff website to find any mention of castoreum, specifically their flavored drunk juice.I easily searched the Diageo website and found nothing about castoreum. How disappointing. Also, the Smirnoff website had nothing either. Hmm.... Maybe they don't realize how serious this question is. Anyway, I'll just e-mail them.
Interestingly, Smirnoff does not have a form to fill out, just an e-mail address. How strange.
Anyway, here's the e-mail I sent: "Hello, I was wondering if any of your wonderful flavored vodkas uses castoreum as a natural flavor. Thank you." I signed it as "Dr. Jacob Jones" just to sound fancy.
Hopefully they get back to me soon, if they're not all drunk.

Don't burn bras until you're drunk. Apparently.

Do you want to smell like a Beaver's anus?

I know, I know, it's been a long time. I'm sorry. However, I have not given up my quest to find something with beaver anus juice in it and sure enough, I found some. Disappointingly, it's not food, but it is something you put directly on your skin.
It turns out a lot of perfume companies use beaver butt juice to make their perfumes smell like, well anus secretions, I guess.

If you wear this, you wear beaver butt juice, cheap beaver butt juice.

Coca Cola Response Part II

Actual information from Coca Cola about animal products in their products.
Here's their response:
"Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Salamán.  We appreciate your interest in our Company.
Except the products that contain cochineal (which is listed on the label) and the products that contain milk (which is also indicated on the label), brands of The Coca-Cola Company in the United States do not contain any ingredient derived from animals.
However, some of our juice products contain Vitamin D3, which is derived from lanolin.  Lanolin is a natural oil in the fiber of sheep's wool.  It is separated from the wool after the sheep's hair is cut (sheared).  Lanolin oil is obtainable without harming the sheep but may be an issue for strict vegetarians.
Additionally, some of our suppliers use a common industry practice for grape juice clarification that does involve animal by-products.  The gelatin used to clarify the juice is made from bovine skin.
In the U.S., the only Coca-Cola brand product that is currently produced with cochineal is Minute Maid Juices To Go Ruby Red Grapefruit Drink.
The only currently manufactured Coca-Cola brand products that contain milk are Far Coast (WOCC only), FUZE Refresh, and Minute Maid Fruit and Creme Swirls.

Tienecka
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company"

So, cool, we got some actual information for once and I don't see Beaver Butt Juice listed. However, lets take a look at what IS in their products.
First, we have cochineal. What is cochineal? You ask. Good question! Let's take a look.

This bug is basically in any red food.

That's right, it's a bug, and yes, they crush the bug and add it to their drinks. Yum, bugs are so good. Anyway, bugs, whatever, that's not so bad.
Lanolin is described by the e-mail itself, so I won't go into it.
Gelatin made from bovine skin? Sounds delicious!

"Hey baby, you want some gelatin?"

So, there you have it folks. No beaver butt juice, just bugs, wool, cow skin, and milk.

Coca Cola Response

So, I received a response from Coca Cola and let's just say I should have listened to the less clever bot.
Here we go:
"Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Salamán. We appreciate your interest in our Company.
Flavor formulations are very valuable proprietary information, therefore, we are not able to provide the source of any of our flavors. However, please be assured that all flavors used in brands of The Coca-Cola Company are recognized as safe and suitable for use by the local regulatory officials in the countries in which they are sold.
Additionally, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) regulates the substances that can be labeled as flavors, whether natural or artificial, and we strictly adhere to all such guidelines. If you would like to learn more about the FDA standards relating to flavors, they can be reached at www.fda.gov or by phone at 1-888-INFO FDA.

Karla
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Coca-Cola Company

Hey kids, you wanna try some coke?

Like Hershey, Coca Cola does not issue it's people impressive titles, or even last names. The also cannot spell Georgie Salamán, the Marketing Manager of America, Inc's name correctly. But, back to the issue.
Their response doesn't tell me anything new, so I tried a different approach. I e-mailed them again, but this time I wrote,"Is it possible to know which products use animals, or animal products, in their manufacture?"
We'll have to wait and see if they get back to me.

You can hope for the best, but we already know the answer. *Wink*

Conclusion: Unknown, but most likely.

Coca Cola

Coca Cola is the largest beverage company in the world, which really says something about how much soda people drink.

This is an average daily intake.

My first impression of the Coca Cola website was, "Wow! It's very red and white." But then I start looking around and see a button at the bottom that says "Nutrition Information", so I figure that's a good place to start. After all, Beaver butt juice is part of a a nutritious soda, or possibly flavored water. No information there, so it's on to the contact us form!
There's a little chat box on the contact us page that's a robot talking to you, like cleverbot, only not so clever. I went ahead and asked it about beaver anal discharge and this is what it came back with: "We are not able to disclose or comment on the flavor composition of Coca-Cola brand products; this information is proprietary to The Coca-Cola Company."
Woh, not looking good for you Coke, but then it continued: "If we use the word "natural" on our labels or in advertising, the product or ingredients referred to must be from a natural source. The FDA does allow a minimal amount of processing while still allowing the word "natural" to be used but the ingredient will not be chemically-produced. Many ingredients can have both a natural source and be chemically produced. This may be why some products without the natural claim may have similar ingredient lists to products using the natural claim."
Really not looking good for you.

I find your lack of faith, disturbing.

So, their e-mail form asks for name, address, sex, age, phone number, and birthday. Birthday? Coca cola porn, maybe?
Anyway, here's the e-mail I sent them: "Hello, I was wondering if any of your products uses castoreum as a natural flavor. Thank you for your time."
I shortened it, because this is Coca Cola, they'll get back to me in a few days.

Nabisco aka Mondelez Answer

I received a response from the makers of fig newtons, oops I mean newtons. Delicious, delicious, newtons.

Even bimbos love them!

Here we go:
"Hi Punchie,
The supplier from which we obtain the natural flavoring will not reveal the exact ingredients to us, as they consider it to be proprietary.
We do require the suppliers to inform us if any of the following components are in the flavor so we can label them on the ingredient line:
eggs, dairy, celery, soy, treenuts, peanuts, wheat, fish, shellfish, seafood, gluten and sulfites.
Also, we do not include monosodium glutamate (also known as MSG), hydrolyzed protein (sometimes known as hydrolyzed vegetable protein or HVP) or autolyzed yeast extract under the term 'natural flavor' in the ingredient line.
What I can tell you is that if any of our products contains protein from a substance recognized by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cause severe to life-threatening reactions in susceptible individuals, those substances are ALWAYS listed on the ingredient statement.
If you haven't done so already, please add our site to your favorites and visit us again soon!
Adele Stapley
Operations Manager
~~TLXEA_24493608~~Y"

Some of the things in this e-mail caught me by surprise. First, they think my name is Punchie, which is hilarious. Second, like Jelly Belly, they don't know what is in their products, but they made sure to tell me things I didn't ask for. Then they ask me to add thier website to their favorites, like I hadn't already done that! Did you miss the part where they make fig newtons? A manager got back to me, which makes me feel special and she has a last name, so there's a bonus.
Then, I saw this "~~TLXEA_24493608~~Y". What is that? Then, it dawned on me, it's a Fig Newton cypher. If I can figure out the secret code, I can get free fig newtons!
At least, I hope so, even though I might get the same flavor licking a beaver's rectum.

"Everyone loves my rectum."

Conclusion: They don't know what's in their own delicious snacks.